Since the "good" news about the negative bone biopsy I've had no new developments. The journey is stalled out, on hold, the pause button has been hit. I'm stuck in limbo land and it's an awful land to be in. I've been keeping busy - working, skiing, going out to dinner, running (well, once - and I even had a stray yellow lab follow me home) but even all of that doesn't seem to be effective in squelching this fear/frustration inside of me. I'm feeling very disappointed in myself and in my capabilities to handle this.
I still don't even have a consultation scheduled with the surgeon. I thought I was getting in before the end of this week and would have the mediastinoscopy biopsy early next week. It seems like things aren't going that way. However there is some hope that when my oncologist gets in tomorrow he'll be able to lay the smack down (well, he's more the soft, gentle persuasive type but I have faith in him) and get me in. It doesn't help that the surgeon's assistant has been much less than accommodating and has an attitude that I really don't appreciate and really don't need. Luckily my oncologist's assistant is amazing and has called in to lay into this lady more than once on my behalf. It feels good to have a posse behind me.
Right now, I don't care how renowned this surgeon is. I'm ready to go in and yank out these nodes myself. I'll hand deliver them to the pathologist if it means that I can get an answer about what is going on inside my body. I just need a plan. I never knew how important that was to me until now. I think my initial cancer diagnosis came so fast - the biopsy, the diagnosis, the start of chemo the next day ... the plan was made before I could even digest it. Right now I'm ready for whatever the next steps are I just need to know what they are. I am absolutely flat out with the anxiety and anticipation. I feel it throughout my entire body - everything aches and I'm so, so tired. I've been doing my absolute best to keep busy, stay focused on anything besides what may or may not be, but today was the toughest day yet.
I'm now just angry at myself and feel so selfish for crying and heaving over what I'm going through when there are millions of people in Haiti without food and shelter, without their loved ones who they'll never see again. I've never in my life not been able to handle something by thinking positive thoughts and keeping perspective. I feel like I'm not myself and that my world is skewed and way out of whack. I've got to get my shit together or I'm never going to make it.
I learned tonight that stuffing my face with calzones and cookies is not the answer because I feel way worse. Hopefully a great night of some of my favorite comedy TV will. Being with Craig and Sammy certainly does. But I can't pretend it's all been bad. We had a great weekend skiing. I saw my best friend from childhood and her baby last night. Work is busy and productive. And, well, I'm alive and all my parts are in tact. I am grateful for that, just a little jaded right now.
You're allowed to be stressed, to be afraid, to be frustrated, to be angry. Allow yourself those feelings. It's okay to be jaded, you don't have to feel positive all the time. You'll get through this.
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