Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hurt

Years ago, I ran into another cancer patient over a clearance rack at a Marshall's store. She said to me that her chemo "hurt." At the time, being newly diagnosed and still feeling invincible, I didn't understand what she meant. I saw chemo as a necessary means to an end, something that all patients had to endure to get to a cure. I didn't think of it as hurting, only as healing.

But she was right. Chemo does hurt. It hurts very, very badly sometimes, like right now. It's four days after my latest infusion and I feel as if that bully child with the metal bat is back at me. He's hit me repeatedly across the back, in my jaw, and then jammed the bat down my throat causing swelling sores and rawness. Every tissue in these areas is swollen and emanating ache. I feel as if I'm swallowing over a bed of rocks.

The hurt can come out of nowhere – no warning, no sympathy, no prisoners. How is anyone supposed to deal with this balance of hurt vs. healing? Why should there have to be so much hurt in a situation already saturated with pain of all kinds. The need for further developments in cancer treatment is so dire. The side effects of the treatment should not be worse than those of the disease. It is counterintuitive and unfair. Our world is far too advanced for this dichotomy to still be a reality.

8 comments:

  1. So sorry you have to hurt like this,little girl. It is so very unfair. I pray that things will take a turn, and you will start feeling better. You are a brave and beautiful girl. Praying that these awful symptoms will stop. Sending much love precious girl. Irene

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  2. I'm glad you're writing about this, when what you probably want to do is curl into a ball and curse the world. It sucks, plain and simple, and it's not fair. Hopefully brave bloggers like you will be the change we wish to see in the world, as Gandhi said. If there were something that would take away the pain and hardship, rest assured your army of followers would do it. Meantime, hang tough.

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  3. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much, you've endured so much already. It is absurd that the medicine you need to fight this battle is wounding you as well. I pray you get relief of these side effects.

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  4. Wishing that all of your blogging family members could wrap our arms around you all at once.....and squeeze all of the BAD.... OUT!!!!!!!!!!

    Holding you in our prayers, sending good, positive wishes, and lots of love!

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  5. Hurt sucks...i am praying for you!

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  6. Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts- hoping each day you are feeling better and better!

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  7. Wishing your hurting goes away soon. You have been through enough already and deserve to have more healing than hurting. Thinking good thoughts for you!

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  8. For what it's worth:

    "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."
    Lance Armstrong

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