Friday, August 31, 2012

Riding the Waves

Some days it takes a very concerted effort not to completely unfold. It can be just plain exhausting working to tame the beast that is my emotions being toyed with by hormone injection and depletion by steroids. My brain becomes disconnected with reality and the highs get very high and the lows very low.

I am a live wire and I don’t know myself when I will lash out or who or what will take the brunt. The man clothes piled on top of, rather than in, the hamper? The RNC? The husband’s crusted cereal bowl that never made it the extra foot into the dishwasher? The sound of too many electronics going at once? The nail polish that smudges with fingerprints because of my lack of patience for drying?

It takes a tremendous amount of focused effort to keep myself stable as I ease off these steroids, handle the chemo drugs, and continue to process the trauma I’ve been through and the realties of the unknown ahead.

Most days I feel balanced and whole with only forward momentum. But some mornings bring with them a heavy weight, an incessant ringing in my ears of frustrations and questions, worries about the big things (my sister is driving across the country and my brother is getting married in two weeks, oh, and that cancer thing), worries about the stupid things (what necklace will I wear, organizing the pantry, fruit flies, which vitamin brand to take).

On the tough days, a blanket of angst shrouds and suffocates me so much that it can literally be hard to see through my eyes, which are so blearily exhausted from taking it all in.

Sometimes I just can’t shut it off and it makes me want to writhe and scream.

Instead, I do my best to breathe, let go, ride the wave and hope to hell that once I can push myself back out to the break point, the next wave will be a gentler ride in. 


  1. Everyone who reads this and follows your every move and thought is with you every step of the way! The good days.. the bad days .. the ok days- doesn't matter to us! Do whatever you need to do to get through this- we all love you!!!!

  2. You are so incredibly inspiring! Your strength, courage, uncensored and honest words. Thank you, thank you for sharing with us. You're only human and deserve your "live wire" days :) we're all here to ride along with you....take good care and know many of us are praying for you and wishing you well!

  3. "a blanket of angst shrouds and suffocates me" ----what incredibly powerful words. I'm remembering that one - it really resonated with me.
    Your gift to many is worthy of much praise and thanks..
    Accolades to you --------

  4. I needed this as know that someone, somewhere is having the same feelings as I am. Our reasons may be vastly different but the raw emotion is striking. My heart is with you as you struggle to ride the wave with the hopes of smoothly coasting to shore.

  5. I hear you, sister. Stay strong and remember that it will pass. Your words are a source of hope and inspiration for the rest of us on this terrible and sometimes enlightening path. Sending love and light...

  6. I have no words...keep strong...sending you a little piece of sunshine that visited me yesterday--hope it helps.

  7. You're well on your way to being off the steriods. As one who has been there, I get it. EW UCK BLEAH. Keep the end of them in sight. Soon, Karin, soon. One less drug. One breath at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

  8. One can only vaguely imagine all you've been through. Actually we don't have a clue. But you are determined not to let all of this beat you. Your courage is to be admired for sure. Donna and Don in Torrington