Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Let's Do This Thang
I'm pretty psyched up for it rather than psyched out. This has never happened. Of course I still have plenty of anxiety and worry, but I feel as confident as I think is possible going into one of these things. I feel ready: Let's do this thang. Maybe that's why I had a rough patch there. I knew there was something else going on and didn't want to spoil results. I'm now much more ready to handle those results – whichever way they might swing. I feel fantastic by my standards and that's what matters.
I've been spending a lot more time doing everyday regular person things with very special people in my life. That has made a world of difference to my psyche. I'm not allowing myself to be a recluse anymore. I already did that to the extreme – not by choice – this entire summer. This month I'm going to work on pushing myself to be uncomfortable because I've realized that once I get past that initial paranoia barrier, there are so many positive moments to be had, and that I deserve. I'm starting to hit the tipping point. I need to grasp the concept that I can be a little more reckless, more easygoing, more challenged in exciting ways. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm again trusting myself to take the reigns of my life and gallop wildly into its next beautiful adventures.
What I do struggle with is trying to look back and process all that I've gone through. I was so busy pushing forward and focused on finding health among nonstop treatment that I didn't spend much time thinking about what was happening to me. What I did was make the best of my situation every day. I didn't have the time, mental, emotional or physical capacity to be able to comprehend how dire my situation was at moments. All of this time I never felt sorry nor grieved for myself. Now that I'm peeking out the other side, I can't believe where I've been and what I've overcome. And not just me, but everyone whose life I am a part of.
This reality gets more and more haunting and difficult with each day. Until I've started to feel better I had no idea how really sick I was while taking all of those treatment drugs. At those times I just adapted and pushed through. Now I'm so proud of myself for being capable of doing that, but so sad to think that I had to and so sad to think of what others watched me endure, yet somehow remained steadfast in keeping me going despite how it affected them.
However, looking forward is getting to be less intimidating and more thrilling with a capital "T". I am incredibly grateful for that and deeply hope that tomorrow's scan and appointments will bring me even more confidence and more freedom to live my life with.
One of my friends and biggest inspirations, Matt, who is also recovering from an allo stem cell transplant told me to:
"Keep a good thought."
I'm holding tightly onto it.