Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Let's Do This Thang

I once again feel very, very good. Last night I actually paused to check if I was still breathing because I was breathing with so much ease. I have no fullness in my chest and no twinge over my heart when I breathe deeply. I've made a full recovery since the cold that sent me down into the depths of fear. My mood and outlook are a million times better, and I am again completely focused on moving forward. Tomorrow will be an important part of that movement: my Day +133 PET Scan – the one we bumped from last week.

I'm pretty psyched up for it rather than psyched out. This has never happened. Of course I still have plenty of anxiety and worry, but I feel as confident as I think is possible going into one of these things. I feel ready: Let's do this thang. Maybe that's why I had a rough patch there. I knew there was something else going on and didn't want to spoil results. I'm now much more ready to handle those results – whichever way they might swing. I feel fantastic by my standards and that's what matters.

I've been spending a lot more time doing everyday regular person things with very special people in my life. That has made a world of difference to my psyche. I'm not allowing myself to be a recluse anymore. I already did that to the extreme – not by choice – this entire summer. This month I'm going to work on pushing myself to be uncomfortable because I've realized that once I get past that initial paranoia barrier, there are so many positive moments to be had, and that I deserve. I'm starting to hit the tipping point. I need to grasp the concept that I can be a little more reckless, more easygoing, more challenged in exciting ways. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm again trusting myself to take the reigns of my life and gallop wildly into its next beautiful adventures.

What I do struggle with is trying to look back and process all that I've gone through. I was so busy pushing forward and focused on finding health among nonstop treatment that I didn't spend much time thinking about what was happening to me. What I did was make the best of my situation every day. I didn't have the time, mental, emotional or physical capacity to be able to comprehend how dire my situation was at moments. All of this time I never felt sorry nor grieved for myself. Now that I'm peeking out the other side, I can't believe where I've been and what I've overcome. And not just me, but everyone whose life I am a part of.

This reality gets more and more haunting and difficult with each day. Until I've started to feel better I had no idea how really sick I was while taking all of those treatment drugs. At those times I just adapted and pushed through. Now I'm so proud of myself for being capable of doing that, but so sad to think that I had to and so sad to think of what others watched me endure, yet somehow remained steadfast in keeping me going despite how it affected them.

However, looking forward is getting to be less intimidating and more thrilling with a capital "T". I am incredibly grateful for that and deeply hope that tomorrow's scan and appointments will bring me even more confidence and more freedom to live my life with.

One of my friends and biggest inspirations, Matt, who is also recovering from an allo stem cell transplant told me to:

"Keep a good thought."

I'm holding tightly onto it.


  1. Me too!

    *keeping a good thought in Portland*

  2. *keeping a good thought in templeton, ma*

  3. Fingers & toes crossed very tightly for tomorrow! All good thoughts.

  4. Frank and Laura LoyotOctober 26, 2011 at 11:18 PM

    Always great to have a positive attitude...It can work wonders!!!!! Sending healing thoughts and well wishes your way. Hoping the rest of your family is doing well, too! :)

  5. Keeping good thoughts and prayers for you in Philadelphia!!

  6. thinking only the best thoughts for you in michigan

  7. Keeping a good thought in KC,MO.
    Reading about you pushing yourself past your paranoia resonates with me. I have Behcets so my story is very different but I went two full years undiagnosed sitting out on life because I was sick and in my brief well days I was scared that I would cause myself to be sick again. Even now, 5yrs since diagnosis, I find myself weary that stressors will send me into a flare. Thank you for your transparency, it is inspiring even to those without cancer.

  8. Sending all positive thoughts that you will soon find the exact thing to address this. Know always that you are absolutely incredible... and that you have a "family" as wide as the earth pulling for you every step of the way- you are never alone!