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| New Year's Day on Sunset Cliffs, San Diego, CA, crafted by Craig and me. |
It is February 1st. January just came to a close, but I believe there is still time for a “New
Year” reflection blog. Instead of writing my reflections and intentions with
the start of the new year, I’ve been reflecting for the first 31 days of 2012. Sounds
good, doesn’t it?
I’d like to say that I planned it that way, but I didn’t.
It’s putting a spin on procrastination and avoidance to make it look like
intention. To be honest, being about a month behind is about right for me these
days in several respects. But that’s okay. Time has slowed some, procrastination
and hesitation have increased. Focus has dimmed and concentration has
been lacking. Shiny object over there? I’ll follow it. I am so tired most days that it is
difficult to get to things that I think I most want to do. Though, I’ve been
finding myself very busy with a full, rich, rewarding life. Despite the
physical weights, I’ve had an incredible start to 2012. Maybe what I thought
was important to me isn’t really. Overall, I’ve been trying to just let go and "be". I’ll never figure out the outcome of all this, so I may as well enjoy the hell out of
the ride.
I truly have been writing this blog in my head for the past
30 days. I’ve thought incessantly about putting fingers to keyboard and getting
it out, but for whatever reason, it isn’t until this arbitrary deadline of the
end of January that I’m able to produce. Deadlines really do help. Because it was gestating for a month, it's a big baby.
I looked back at my post “Intentions” written last year in
early January. I see where I was coming from and I remember being in that
place, but it reads like an entirely different person. I sound so young. I cannot
believe the evolution that 12 months has brought and at the same time how
quickly this year went by. I thought that I went through a lot in 2010. Ha.
2011 is a year to remember in many ways.
As I started writing this, I jumped to the “looking forward to in 2012” section first. That piece flowed
like water. The looking back at 2011? Not so much. It’s still raw and delicate
and difficult for me to process. But once I got into it, I couldn't believe all that I've done. Medically speaking, 2011 was a year of utmost focus, plowing
through like a pile driver. In that post from Jan 2011, I stated that my
intention for the year was “to be
mindful in everything that I do and fully invested in each experience – from
the simplest to the most complex. To live each day with intention and an open
heart, grateful for every moment that I have.” I fulfilled that promise to
myself to the extreme.
I am proud to say that I lived 2011 as intended. It’s an
important disctinction to say that things didn’t happen as I “expected,”
“planned” or “intended”, but that how I reacted to them did translate through. I
don't think I grasped what that meant at the beginning of the year, but 12 months of experience brought it into sharp focus. The year was wildly uncomfortable at moments, but I
lived those times to the fullest, whether it was on my knees in tears begging
for mercy or staring at the desert from 8,500 feet up on the peak of the San Jacinto Mountains in Palm Springs, CA.
I didn’t know what a prophecy last year’s intention would
be. I wouldn’t have made it through without that mindful focus and full
investment in the life-altering choices and sacrifices that had to be made. When
you are missing your health and it takes every ounce of strength to perform most any
activity, then mindfulness comes easily. It’s easy to fully absorb the wonderful
moments and too easy to fully absorb the difficult ones as well.
I was 100 percent invested in all of the experiences I had last
year – and for the growth that those experiences brought me, I am so grateful.
My heart also opened wider than I ever fathomed it could. It opened wide so that I could let more people in, including my true self. It opened so wide that
it hurt sometimes – it’s tender in there. It opened up wide enough to allow me
to feel emotions that I never felt before: sheer fear and deep sadness and
helplessness as strongly as the elation, determination, drive and joyfulness. This was a gift.
